Heal Your Broken Heart

Love, Healing and Letting Go

Heal Your Broken Heart is a book about love, healing and letting go. Each of these is necessary to fully heal a heart that has been deeply wounded. Here’s how it all works.

The absence of love is what breaks our heart. We associate that love with a person of course, and although that person is now gone—which is not a small thing—it is really the loss of love that wounds us the most. Most of us feel we know quite a bit about love until we eventually realize we have much more to learn. When our heart is broken by a relationship ending there are usually lessons for us to learn from both the relationship and the breakup. Sometimes we learn them. Often we don’t.

I’ve heard many stories over the years from both men and women who have told me how they keep falling in love with the “same” person. Other people pride themselves on never doing this, when in reality they do it too, but overlook the striking similarities between their exes. This type of pattern, and others like them, need dismantling and much of the work in Heal Your Broken Heart helps you learn more about love so you can better recognize what people are offering you. If you’re confused about what love looks and acts like you’re destined to choose people who will fail at loving you.

Heal Your Broken Heart is also a book about healing. If you don’t fully heal from your heartache you will suffer needlessly from it throughout your lifetime, often without realizing it. You’re going to experience pain in your life, it’s unavoidable, but it doesn’t make sense to bring pain on yourself when you don’t have to. Instead of “getting over” someone—which is not healing—then falling in love again and unintentionally bringing your unhealed heart into your new relationship—why not take the time to heal from what you’ve been through? You owe it to yourself and your next beloved.

Healing takes time, more than most people think. One of the qualities I love about Heal Your Broken Heart is that it gives you permission to slow down and heal within a proven structure that guides you to a true place of healing.

Finally, Heal Your Broken Heart is about letting go, often the very thing we resist when someone has broken our heart. Whenever we hold on we create more pain for ourselves. When we begin to let go, we start to heal. Letting go takes time, even when we feel ready to do it. The book approaches this sensitive issue with a series of exercises focused on letting go, each one perfectly designed for the level of healing it is associated with. By the end of the process everything involved in the relationship that has ended, and the relationship itself, has been released. While there is much more in this book, that alone makes it worth working through.

Heal Your Broken Heart gives you a way to heal, no matter what broke your heart or when it was broken. You deserve that.

Find Heal Your Broken Heart at http://amzn.to/1LQd9TX

Posted on by Michael Kane Posted in Book, Thoughts | Leave a comment

Heart Thoughts

Heal Your Broken Heart has been available for a little over eighteen months and in that time I’ve heard many wonderful things about it. I always like it when I go out to give a talk or workshop and I meet new people who are working through the material. It’s fun to hear about how they learned about the book, but mainly I’m curious to know where they are in the work and also how the first two phases went for them.

Those of you who are familiar with the book know that while a lot happens in each phase, the first two phases launch the entire process in a particularly potent and effective way. Between Qamp1.1A’s 3 and 4, which help identify and begin to process all the emotions you’re experiencing, and writing the story of your relationship and breakup in Qamp1.1A 5, this initial work helps set up everything for the coming phases, including the different stages of releasing.

When I talk to people who are further into the book, they tend to share insights based on the theme of what they are discovering both in their patterns with love and the patterns that were in place in their relationship. When I meet someone who is at the beginning of the work, they usually tell me they’re amazed at how little they’ve understood about their true emotional state, and how challenging, moving, and important it was for them to write the story of their relationship.

Someone recently told me that he read the book from cover to cover before starting to work with the material. It seemed he wanted to know what he was getting into before making a commitment to do the exercises. It was a unique approach but it worked for him. Since his read-through he’s been working his way through the book and not surprisingly he’s having a much different experience than when he simply read the book. While there are many sections in the book that one can just read and benefit from, the full impact won’t be felt unless all the exercises are executed.

One of the many things I love about Heal Your Broken Heart is how exactingly personal the material becomes to each person. It’s this natural customization that makes the book work for so many people, even in healing hearts that have been broken through other circumstances than a lost love relationship.

Since the material covered in the book has been proven to work, if you are currently working through the book I urge you to keep going until you reach the end. It’s fine to take breaks here and there, in fact it’s not a bad idea, but then jump back in and keep going. While each piece of Heal Your Broken Heart is important to your healing, it is the combination of all the pieces working together that produces the biggest result. Stay with the work, you will be so happy you did.

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Can You Become “Just Friends”?

Ending a relationship is tough. It’s like ripping a huge piece of fabric in two with your bare hands. Thousands of torn relationship threads throw disconnection dust everywhere choking the air. In the worst breakups the whole asphyxiating mess is lit on fire. It isn’t pretty.

Every breakup has its own characteristics and story, but they tend to have one thing in common. That is whether the now non-couple wants to get as far away from each other as possible or whether they want to become friends.

Couples who have become more like friends and less like lovers have already answered the question. They don’t need to breakup in the traditional sense, they simply need to rename the kind of relationship they have. Those who interact almost solely as friends but maintain some degree of sexual activity have a harder choice to make. More friends than lovers, but still lovers to a degree, and counting on a certain amount of closeness and sexual intimacy with each other, it can be hard for this couple to give up sex and physical intimacy only to be friends. So they don’t, at least for a while.

The most challenging version of this attempted metamorphosis from lovers to friends happens when person A breaks up with person B and instead of vanishing to a desert island, wants to be friends. Becoming friends might help person A assuage his guilt for smashing his now ex-lover’s heart, and squirming-in-agony person B might settle for much less contact with person A just to secure some reliable contact, but neither is a healthy reason to suddenly become friends.

Since people have been working with Heal Your Broken Heart, either in the original workshop form or more recently with the book, they have universally shared two awarenesses with me.

One is that they were surprised to learn how nuanced their relationship was, and the other is they were amazed at how complex their broken heart is. If you look at the surface of the ocean it doesn’t seem all that complicated, but go below the surface and you quite literally enter into another world. This is also true of your broken heart and the relationship that got you there.

There is much more to learn about what dismantled your relationship beyond what you can identify on your own—comparable to the ocean’s surface versus its depths. Jumping from a romantic relationship to “just friends” post-breakup belies the complexity you are dealing with.

If you had either a short, rough breakup or a long drawn out one, and now you and your ex want a friendship, you will need some time apart before you attempt to be just friends. When I suggest this to people they often struggle with the idea. Some have asked if they could at least visit the couple’s dog because they love that dog so doggone much. I’m sure they do love the dog and I’m more than sympathetic to temporarily losing a source of unconditional love, but I tell them to hold off on going to the home of their ex for whatever reason even if he or she is at work. This is about a period of total abstinence for a very good reason.

That reason is to help you and your ex create a significant shift between the two of you. Too much has happened to assume everything will be fine if you just change the title of your relationship from lovers to friends. You both need time to catch your breath. Solitude is required and that begins by not seeing or communicating with each other for a while.

This time off allows the desired shift to occur, especially in Person B—the most wounded by the breakup—who is in most need of the shift. Time and space help change our mind’s focus. If we’re continually stimulated by thoughts of our ex and our next contact with him or her, we can’t let go. We’re still in it even though the relationship has ended. We jog around the same small loop and never move forward. Severing contact allows us to stop running in a circle.

Healing takes discipline. This is one of the last things we want to hear when we’re hurting, but it’s a fact worth accepting.

We need to be disciplined about taking care of ourselves physically and emotionally, resisting the temptation to pry information about our ex out of our mutual friends, and continue to work through the exercises in the book. When we stick to these guidelines we think far more clearly and self-lovingly than the immediate post-breakup version of us.

I think people need some serious time off in these transitional situations. Three months can sound like an eternity, but to me it’s the bare minimum. Six months is better because it assures that a shift will occur. A shift might occur with a ninety-day break, but it may only be a partial shift and a partial shift can evaporate when you meet for that reunion cup of coffee.

Pain is real and it is depleting. Healing is serious business and it is best to take it seriously. Your health and balance are at stake. Do everything you need to do to heal your broken heart and resist giving in to that part of you that believes it’s okay to hurt if it means being closer to the person you love but lost.

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Releasing Anger

I was talking with someone today who is about, with some resistance, to begin the Anger Burning Exercise in Phase Eight. He expressed what I know some people feel when they’re preparing to do this exercise, which is, Is this just going to open up a can of worms?

It’s a reasonable concern considering that when we’re healing our broken heart it can feel we have enough to deal with without diving deeper into our anger. But the reality is that our unreleased anger is hurting us, and not dealing with it head-on can impede our healing.

We’re all too accustomed to the cyclical pattern of anger. We get mad, verbally or physically express our anger, feel better for a while and wait for it all to happen again. We temporarily lower our “anger temperature” by blowing up, then without realizing it, we make our way back to the starting line and wait for the gun to go off again the next time we get sufficiently angry about something.

Let’s think of this process visually. Imagine a “pod” of anger shooting out of your mouth with an energetic emotional umbilical cord attached to it. The umbilical cord gets stretch taught causing the pod to burst open and your anger spews out. Time passes while your anger is batted around either by you or by people reacting to it. Once everything starts to settle down, the pod vacuums up the anger it sent flying and your emotional umbilical cord pulls it all back inside of you. Nothing is released.

To release anger, to burn it off, means that it leaves you and does not return. You can always add new anger into the mix, but the impact of both your historical and heartbreak related anger can be eliminate by staying with the Anger Burning Exercise.

As we know, the anger that comes up as a result of a broken heart is not solely about your ex and the lost relationship. Your history of wounding plays a significant role in how angry you get and particularly what you’re actually angry about. Your mind might misidentify the reason you’re angry and it takes some digging to figure out the truth behind that why. The writing part of the exercise (Mind) helps with that discovery, especially when you keep at all three parts of the exercise over a number of weeks. With more time added, your first explanation of why you’re so mad—which is perfectly valid but probably doesn’t tell the full story—begins to drop away and reveals the larger truth associated with your anger. Once that truth is revealed you will feel your healing deepen.

This is a process inside the process of Heal Your Broken Heart, so give yourself plenty of time and lots of permission. Time to stay with the exercise over a period of weeks, and permission not to do it perfectly, because you won’t in the beginning and that’s fine. Any progress you make toward releasing the anger held within you will make you feel better now and bring you that much closer to feeling your new and improved normal.

Posted on by Michael Kane Posted in Book, Phase Eight | Leave a comment

Don’t Skip Stuff

It’s interesting how our mind can so easily talk us out of doing what is good for us. When it comes to some of the exercises in the book, for example, we sometimes tell ourselves that we don’t need to answer certain questions or do specific tasks. As we’re letting ourselves off the hook in this way it usually feels like we’re simply expediting the work by not doing something we’re sure we don’t need to do. You know, that will give us more time to focus on what we know we need.

Our criteria for this sort of determination is based on not having enough information rather than having too much. In essence, we’re ignorant of what we don’t know. I’ve always believed in one important adage about the self: “There is always more to learn about who I am.” It’s both humbling and true. I feel this way about myself and I have only benefitted from thinking this way.

Someone who is working through the book a second time recently told me that when he first went through the material he didn’t think he needed to do the phase end Taking Stock sections and passed over all of them. As he went through the material a second time, working on a different broken heart, he realized he’d missed one of the most important experiences of working with the book.

On his first pass through the material his mind told him he didn’t need to check in with the status of his heart in every phase. It made sense to him at the time, but like everything we are better off doing that we avoid, there was something that actually made him uncomfortable about writing about his progress at the end of each phase. Although to his conscious mind it didn’t feel like he was uncomfortable or resisting. In fact, it felt completely neutral to him. But it wasn’t a neutral; it was a response to fear.

Fear is not love and to heal our hearts we must love ourselves more. Following the regime of the book without omissions is one perfect way to love yourself. If there are exercises or suggestions in the book that you find yourself resisting or simply passing over, slow down and let yourself do them. You will learn something very important in the process.

Posted on by Michael Kane Posted in Book, Thoughts, Tips | Leave a comment